(no subject)

I seriously am having second thoughts about this babysitting job I do in the mornings.

I did the math last night and it literally costs me more to watch these kids than what I get paid.

Between gas from my house to their fathers then to their mothers, wear and tear on my car and my time, I’m doing this shit for free.

I love the kids but it’s taking it’s toll on me. Shit, some weeks their mother “forgets” to pay me and then makes me feel like shit for asking for my money.


E had another date with the shy one tonight, he seems so interested in her and yet knows nothing about her. Everytime he talks about her i can tell hes smiling. He gets this goofy little smirk on his face whenever he's messaging her, it's rather adorable honestly.

I think he's enjoying our arrangement, as am I, but the downfall is that im having feelings for him but he doesn't feel the same, which is okay too, its part of life, love and relationships.

His friend told him That he can't have both and he knows that. His friend said that at some point i may not be around if things don't work out with the shy one and that's true.

Im guessing that he will stay the night at shy ones house tonight and things will happen, in which case, i hope he is honest with me and tells me, because that will end our arrangement and we will going back to Just being friends.

Tomorrow i have a day trip which should be fun although i was hoping to see E again before next weekend, but he wants to see if the shy one is free to go somewhere.

(no subject)

It's that time of year where my depression gets bad again. I fucking hate july and I have so much going on right now and my head is constantly spinning.
Im torn between moving, I really don't have any reason to go to ny, i have no reason to stay in PA and i don't really want to go to florida.

Im gaining weight which isn't good although i haven't changed my diet at all.

I went to utica this past weekend
and saw some friends, E is still interested in the woman hes seeing and im happy for him. Im putting my feelings for him aside because i don't want to be a constellation prize if things don't work ot with her. Im okay with our current status and so is he, so no pushing anything and i wont chase him.
I saw B on saturday, she only wanted to see me too ask for money, which was to be expected.

Still so much to get done in the next week or 2 ....and i still need 3k for the move whenever it may be.

Life, death, health

The short of things:

Knuckles got very ill very quickly last week and had to be put down just 2 months before his 15th birthday.

I went in for a routine check up and had a couple tumor biopsies and the results are 1 cancerous (stage 2b) and 3 pre cancerous.

I finally got my teeth taken care of after not seeing a dentist in almost 30 years. I had 4 wisdom teeth pulled and 8 others that had broken. No seeious pain meds but handling the pain well regardless.

the paramedic

seeing L and I broke up, I ventured another try at tinder and found the paramedic. He seems like he has his shit together, divorced, has a set of twins a boy and a girl, works for a couple medic squads in the area, is the assistant fire chief and president of his local fire department, works for DFD and has a fulltime job near Philly on a Medic truck.
We made plans to meet for lunch and I was running late so I asked if we could meet for dunkin and he said yes.
He showed up in a giant truck, ok maybe not giant but a ford F250 thing, so we went inside and chatted over iced coffee for about an hour. I can't remember a damn thing we talked about because I wasn't really all that interested in him at the time, he asked if he could see me again and I said i guess so and then we made plans to see Supers Troopers 2 the next day.
Movie date night came and he picked me up in a 2004 Audi with a cracked windshield and a mechanical issue that causes his 4 ways to stay on for about 5 minutes when the car starts up. he says he brought it for cash last year when he won a lawsuit against the township fire department or something. No big deal, it's a car and it runs.
He asked where I wanted to eat and I was honest with him and said I was pretty broke so could we go to Cracker Barrel, I think he was relieved that I chose someplace cheap for dinner.
The movie was good (I didn't tell him I had already seen it with Scooter the day before because I knew he was looking forward to seeing it)
We talked here and there for a week or so and then one day he asked if I wanted to spend the night so I said okay. I was so fucking awkward you would think I had never been with a man before.
His house is a disaster, but I dont care really. He seems moody every now and then but i get that, he works a lot and has a lot on his plate. But something just isn't sitting right with me about a couple things. at this point (2 weeks ago now) i'm having a hard time figuring out what's not quite right but i'm starting to put things together..
Last Thursday he calls me and says "you need to talk me out of not going to work today. ugh, I can't do that and I won't do that because you're 41 years old and should be able to make these decisions on your own, plus it's your effing job to go in. He ended up staying home and picking up a couple shifts on the fire truck.
Now fast forward to Memorial day weekend. I drive up to his house with some stuff for him and as i'm walking up his driveway he yells get in the truck. Ok... thinking we're going to the store or down the road for ice cream he says, we're going to my sisters and you're going to meet my family. ugh.
The family is nice, when we got there one of his sisters came out on the deck and yelled into the house "hey mom! look the paramedic brought a girl with him!"
He introduces me and his other sister said, oh you must be the girl that cooks for him ! OMG...really...you told them i've been cooking for you?!!?! ugh, yes, i cook for him a few times a week when he has 12 or 14 hours shifts.
We sat and chatted and i met his entire family. God I was pissed though. I really need some kind of warning for something like that.

Yesterday I went to his house with plans of going out and doing something but those plans fell through so sat and talked about things, where this is going, what his plans were for the week ect. He says he really isn't sure what he wants, lovely, so this isn't going anywhere. Then he starts opening his mail and he has a 10 day shut off notice from the elec. comp. i'm like oh i got one of those and I had to pay 44.00 to make a payment arrangement.
He says, i'm behind on my payment arrangement ... oh.
So he calls up PPL and talks to someone and I can hear what's being said and the rep says your current bill is 3748.18
I look at the paramedic with a face of udder shock. Please tell me she's mistaken. HOW THE FUCK DOES ONE GET A BILL THAT HIGH!?!??!?!?!
He says he hasn't paid it in a very long time.
holy mother of God....
then he says he's behind on his payments to the bankruptcy court that files in March and his truck payment is at LEAST 5 months behind oh and he doesn't have car insurance on any of his cars or truck.

I knew something wasn't right with this guy.... and now i know

Fa La La La fuck this fucking Christmas

Scooters in New York, L is now showing some sort of excitement for Christmas and here I am all depressed and shit.

Less than a week ago I was like a 5 yr old girl all excited about the holiday, now I'm like a miserable old woman who can't wait for this shit to be over already.


Muddle through....

Ahhh there's my depression kicking in. I wondered when it would make its appearance this year.

Now if people would just leave me the fuck alone for, I don't know, 3 weeks or so, I'd be OK.

Of course I'll have to fake it til I make it this year because L needs me to and he is going through his own shit and I don't want to add to his already overflowing plate.

Tonight I will snuggle knuckles and cry into his fur for a while..... That usually helps.


(no subject)

So much for keeping up on my journal....

This month has been interesting to say the least. I also almost fucked up things with L., we have now witnessed and survived one another being ill in one form or another and now we are learning how one another deals with stress and depression.

L's car broke down this week, I asked him to make a dr appt and that coupled with Christmas coming up, he is loosing his shit. Although he is trying to hide it, he can't. His poker face is weak.

I truly care about him and there is love there, I may not be in love but I do care deeply for him and it hurts me to see him hurt.

So for the time being, I will be here, to comfort him as best as I can until he gets out of his funk. I will do my best not to cry around him even though this time of year is difficult for me also. I need to be strong for him. He will need the support.

I can honestly say I would do anything to make this boy happy.

Christmas is in a couple days, next post I'll write about the phone incident. Ugh.
But I digress. Christmas is a couple days away and I hope L likes what I got him. I suck at this gf thing and suck even more at shopping for people.

I have told L that someday I will marry him .... ok I'll think about it, but if he were to ever ask, I would definitely say yes.

And again, he has yet to witness me off my meds or hit a severe depression. Even a slight med change could fuck everything up if he isn't prepared or willing to stick things out. Shit he may run for the hills. Only time will tell if he is the one. As he always says we shall burn that bridge when we come to it.

In other news I received a Christmas card from Steve this year, I was shocked.

Kyles birthday was last week and I whispered happy birthday up to the sky as I shoved a couple cupcakes in my mouth.
His dad passed away 6 months to the day after my dad passed and that anniversary is coming up a day after Mrs. Hager's.

Holy shit. So much sadness.

(no subject)

I often wonder what would have happened if MaryAnne was a normal caring parent instead of the one she was.

while walking Knuckles this morning I began thinking of all the shit she put me through and did to me and all sorts of "what if" questions.

Did her mental, psychical and emotional abuse and torture set me up for my future relationships? Because there was a pattern of abusive relationships for a very long time.
Did her lack of affection make me the way I am? I don't know how to love someone properly, I don't know how to be a good friend and I have trust issue. I don't know what a healthy relationship is.

Did her own hatred cause her hate me? starve me? burn me with boiling hot water? cut my skin with pinking shears? did she hate me because who ever my father really is didn't want anything to do with her?

Did she enjoy taking away anything and everything I loved? was she trying to make it so she was all I had in my little life? so I had to depend on her and only her for love and affection, even though she locked herself in her room for days and weeks at a time, making it so difficult to love her. She took away so many things that I loved that I just became numb and learned not to get attached to anything or anyone. New stepfather? yeah he'll be gone in a year or 2. new friend? nope can't play with them because I was locked in my bedroom for days at a time in the summer. New pet? killed somehow, someway. Gloria had kittens once, my mother drown them in our pool then put Gloria and Dalton (our german shepard) in the basement together and my mother made me sit by the locked basement door while I was forced to hear the dog maul the cat to pieces while unable to save her. Then MaryAnne made me clean up my dead cats body and dispose of it.

If she wasn't crazy, would I have gotten proper dental care? braces? proper medical care? Would she have been able to explain how to use a tampon instead of my step father shoving a tampon in me and then sending me to my bedroom until she came home from where ever?

I'm truly jealous of people who have the perfect parents, loving parents who give a shit about them. I'll never know what a healthy relationship is, but I can imagine it's the most wonderful thing. I'll never know what it's like to be normal and the more I try to be normal the more awkward I become.

(no subject)

As the next 24 hours of our time with Roscoe wind down, we are sharing memories of our handsome boy, giving him lots of extra love and attention. I have prepared a dinner of steak, green beans and taters for him to enjoy and I have baked pupcakes for him and Knuckles to share.

It seems like yesterday that he came to live with us, neglected, starving for attention and needing proper manners. He's the dumb blonde that brought knucklehead out of his shell and got him to play and be more active.

When Tofu came to live with us last year, he showed him that not all dogs are mean and vicious. Tofu and Roscoe are besties, they spoon eachother at night and lick eachother to show affection. Damnest thing I've ever seen.

Knucklehead knows whats going on or he seems to sense something is happening. Friday morning will be rough in our house as we wake up to only one dogs cold wet nose on our backs instead of two, it'll be weird not having a tennis ball be dropped on my face because someone wants to play at 6 am. it'll be even more strange to have my pillow to myself, because there won't be a big blond furry butt on my pillow.

All I keep asking myself is how did he go from being a healthy, playful 120 lb labby to being an 81 lb sick pup with an aggressive cancer in less than 2 months....

For fucks sake. he's barely 7 years old.